Reason to Sing

"Where words fail, music speaks."
Hans Christian Andersen

For our high school graduation, my parents gave my sister and me each a new Bible. Inside of mine, my mom wrote:

"The music in our life." Go forth and "seize the day" with God on your side. Love Mom and Dad

At that time, it could probably be said that music was my life and "Seize the Day" was a reference to a song I had performed several times. Since I can remember, music has been a part of me, one of my greatest passions and the greatest way I knew of how to communicate with God.

"Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest; heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul."

When  I was growing up, whatever I was feeling, I could always find a song that was fitting. If not, I'd write it. Whether it was a CD, the piano or my voice serving as the vessel, the notes were my message to God and often God's message to me. But the music that transcribed the triumphs and trials of my younger years barely scratched the surface of the messages that came and went through this past year of my life. This weekend, as my friend Christopher played guitar and we both sang, we got to share one of those messages with his home church.

One night in casual conversation before dinner at our weekly small group, my friend Kayley told me about a band called All Sons and Daughters. She specifically said I should check out their song "Reason to Sing." Always open for suggestions, I did. That night after Bible study I bought the track. That night I found what would be my heart's cry for so many nights to come.

When the pieces seem too shattered, to gather off the floor. And all that seems to matter, is I don't feel you anymore, no I don't feel you anymore.

I need a reason to sing. I need a reason to sing. I need to know that You're still holding, the whole world in Your Hands. I need a reason to sing.

I was at a point where I didn't have my own words anymore. The timeline of my life had brought me to a point of silence:

Oct. 10, 2011- I miscarried at 12 weeks after trying to get pregnant for two years.

March 10, 2012- I discovered my husband had been cheating on me since November.

April 5, 2012- I miscarried at nine weeks.

Summer 2012- I was aboard a roller-coaster, better known as my life, as my husband said he loved me and wanted to make it work but continued to step out of the marriage.

All I could see was the timeline, all I could feel was the heartache. I needed a reason to sing and I needed a way to tell God that. I prayed that song so many nights. I felt like the prophet Elijah; I was exhausted and there were days the only words that did come were, "It is enough; Lord, just take my life." (1 Kings 19:4)

That night at Bible study, in that casual conversation, the Holy Spirit worked through Kayley. Through that song the Holy Spirit started working on me. I needed a reason to sing and it started with remembering that God was holding the whole world in his hands and that included my world.

Throughout the fall, the winter, the spring and even this summer more songs would come. Songs I have known my whole life, others I haven't. But God has always given me the message I needed when I needed it.

When I was mourning the babies:

When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll. Whatever my lot thou hast taught me to say, it is well, it is well with my soul.

When I realized, I had made my husband my idol:

He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy. When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me.

Today, while I was sitting in church with Christopher's mother's arms around me, I was reminded of another song:

Never once did we ever walk alone. Never once did you leave us on our own. You are faithful, God. You are faithful. Scars and struggles on the way but with joy our hearts can say, never once did we ever walk alone. Carried by your constant grace, held within your perfect peace, never once, no, we never walk alone.

If there's one thing I'm most grateful for, it's that message. It has brought me to tears numerous times this past year. There have been days where I have felt so alone, like no one knew what I was going through, the pain and the loss I felt. It was the lie Satan used the most. Whenever I heard this song, it was God reminding me of the truth. Sitting next to me in church so many of those Sundays were Jake and Amy, a couple I didn't even know when I was married but who were now my family, whose laughter brought back mine and who let me enjoy motherhood in a new way by loving on their precious baby girl. Whenever I needed to feel like I had a home, Katie and Kory's door was always open and I was always welcomed with loving arms to dinner (or TCBY!) with their family. Around me every Monday, loving on me and praying for me, were the greatest friends someone could ever hope to have. When I needed a companion, someone to just sit with me and let me feel normal again, Christopher was there to enjoy a ball game. And getting me through every single day, text by text, morning to night, our hearts breaking and healing together, was my closest friend April. Never once did I ever walk alone.

There may not always be words, but there will always be a song. There will always be a message. And I will ALWAYS have a reason to sing. 

I will sing to the Lord as long as I live; I will sing praise to my God while I have being. Psalm 104:33

From Fear to Faith

“All I wanted was a little piece of life, to be married, to have children.... I was trying my damnedest to lead a conventional life, for that was how I was brought up, and it was what my husband wanted of me. But one can't build little white picket fences to keep the nightmares out.” Anne Sexton

Anne Sexton, a journalist-turned-poet plagued with depression, built her figurative fences in an attempt to keep her nightmares out. I built my fences to keep the nightmares in.

To the average passerby, I was living the perfect life- I’d graduated college, built a career and married the love of my life. After four years of marriage, my husband and I began trying for our first child. It was the white picket fence life, but behind the safety of that fence was anything but perfection.

I had one year of marital bliss and what followed was years of pain. The inside of my white picket fence became stained and splintered with each angry word, each unveiled secret and lie and each drunken night of mistreatment; but every day I’d wake up, paint a smile on my face and make sure the outside of my fence remained in pristine, whitewashed condition, always giving the appearance of the perfect, happy couple. Until in what would be my last year of marriage, my perfect lie came crashing down as I suffered the trauma of an unfaithful husband, the pain of two miscarriages, the heartache of divorce and a life far off the beaten path of perfection. The white picket fence was an illusion and my nightmares were exposed.

I wish I could say that every day I asked myself, “How did I get here?” But I didn't. I didn't ask, because I knew. With one choice, with one denial of the Holy Spirit’s guidance, I set in motion what would later be the consequences of my own sin. 

As I look back at my wedding, I cringe. My mom and I like to joke now that maybe it was a sign when I thought the cake was ugly or that there was a huge snowstorm that delayed rehearsal and guests’ arrivals. We joke, but in all honesty, we serve a tenacious God and as I was racing for the aisle I’m sure he was throwing up caution flags at every turn and giving me every opportunity to STOP. As I stood with my dad at the top of the steps into the foyer outside the sanctuary of my church, it was like an out of body experience for me. I can see myself standing there and I can hear the words, “You don’t have to do this. It’s okay to walk away.” But I couldn't. It was as if I was frozen.

I am skilled in the craft of argument and debate and a voice of reason inside of me weighed every earthly matter in just a matter of seconds as the processional music began: the money my parents had spent, the distance family had traveled, the disappointment of everyone in my life for going this far and walking away, and above all, the love I had for my fiance; because I did love him. He had so much good in his heart. He was the person that would do anything for his friend. And he had this freedom about him, such a carefree attitude that balanced my obsessive need for order; a spontaneity that challenged me. He always said how he loved my smile; I didn't, but I loved smiling, and he could make me smile with just one look. We had this passion for one another that I thought I would never experience with anyone else. With all of these things waiting for me in the sanctuary, I just couldn't walk away. And in just those few seconds, I told my heavenly Father no and chose fear over faith. (Side note- If there’s one thing I could tell young women today it is this: no matter how much passion a man has for you, it will never make up for the passion he lacks in his relationship with Jesus Christ.) 

I knew Ryan and I were unequally yoked. I knew how we had stumbled throughout the entirety of our relationship and I knew how it had always been me leading. Yet I was a skilled debater. I looked at God’s outline, grabbed one of his bullet points and used it to build my own case. Marriage is from God, I told myself, so surely he would bless this union. Ryan believes and if I just keep praying he will catch up. I chose to reason away the Holy Spirit and instead of listening to my Father’s voice, all I saw before me was fear. Instead of doing what God was calling me to do I chose to follow my own plan and drove down the first post of my white picket fence.

I’m not the first woman to follow my own plan instead of God’s, and I’m sure I won’t be the last. As I struggled with the decision I made in the years to follow that day, I often felt drawn to the character of Sarah as she struggled in her walk of faith.

God had promised Abraham and Sarah that they would have offspring as numerous as the stars in the sky and through them God’s people would be blessed. God had a perfect plan for Sarah but as the reality of life faced her, fear crept in. She was beyond child-bearing years and her time still hadn't come. I know that feeling, what it’s like to wait and wait to be a mother, to long for the moment you can hold and nurture your child. I know the tears that pour out with each passing month, and even more, the doubt that floods in. When it came to be too much, when the fear was larger than her faith, Sarah created her own plan.

“Go and sleep with my servant. Perhaps I can have children through her,” Genesis 16:2

As the trials of life surrounded her, Sarah’s focus wasn't on the joy of fulfilling God’s plan for His people but on her immediate desire for motherhood. She took matters into her own hand and gave her servant Hagar to Abraham. With one decision, came many consequences. She blamed Hagar, she blamed Abraham, and she even blamed God for the mess that followed. But thankfully that wasn't Sarah’s legacy. God saw past her flaws of fear to her future faith; though her faith was weak, we discover in Hebrews 11:11 that it developed into something incredibly powerful:

“By faith even Sarah herself received the ability to conceive, even beyond the proper time of life, since she considered Him faithful who had promised.”

There are always going to be moments in our lives where we are faced with a choice to do right but the possible consequences may fill us with fear. Praise God that He forgives us for those moments of weakness when we choose fear over faith. Praise Him that He doesn't see us for just who we are in that moment but for whom He destined us to be. The pain I suffered because of my marriage doesn't have to be my legacy; my divorce doesn't have to be my legacy. God didn't prevent Sarah from making a poor decision; He didn't prevent me from making one either. He allowed it to happen and He’s used it. Our faith is a journey. And I hope that my faith journey follows the path of Sarah's.

“Thus Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.” 1 Peter 3:6

Impostor Revealed

“In a futile attempt to erase our past, we deprive the community of our healing gift. If we conceal our wounds out of fear and shame, our inner darkness can neither be illuminated nor become a light for others.”  

Brennan Manning, Abba's Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging 

Impostor: a person who practices deception under an assumed character, identity, or name 

In a world that promotes the “perfect” image, so often we abandon the truth that God accepts us as we are. We hide our true selves, presenting an impostor to our audience of friends, family, fellow church members and coworkers. We respond to “How are you’s?” with curt answers such as “fine;” or for the enthusiastic pretender such as myself, “great!” Every day we choose what face we will present to the world; some of us even choose what face we will present to God.

In Brennan Manning’s book Abba’s Child, Manning encourages his readers to accept that God offers a love far greater than we could ever imagine with no prerequisites for admittance into his extended arms. He challenges us to push past the superficial relationships that have become the norm and risk being exposed for who we really are so that we can truly experience Christ’s love. For me, that is something easier said than done. I've always been a private person; an actress in my own right, rotating masks according to the role I was expected to play. But this past year, as I've been pushed far outside my comfort zone (or rather shoved off the ledge!), I've been forced to evaluate who that’s really helping. While I’d rather just erase my past, God is challenging me to use it.

In Abba’s Child, Manning recalls Thornton Wilder’s one-act play, “The Angel That Troubled the Waters.” A physician visits the pool of Bethesda, waters known for their healing powers when stirred by an angel, hoping to be healed of his melancholy. When the angel appears he blocks the physician just as he is ready to enter the water. The angel tells the physician to turn back because it wasn't his time to be healed. The physician pleads with the angel, longing so much to be released from his emotional torment, but the angel insists that healing is not intended for him. These are the words of the angel:

“Without your wounds where would your power be? It is your melancholy that makes your low voice tremble into the hearts of men and women. The very angels themselves cannot persuade the wretched and blundering children on earth as can one human being broken on the wheels of living. In Love’s service, only wounded soldiers can serve.” 

This blog is my opportunity to trash the masks and expose myself as the wounded soldier that I am. This has been an intense year of heartache but it’s also been a year of great faith. God’s story has collided with mine and this blog is my chance to let him illuminate the darkness of my story so it can be the healing gift he intended.

2 Corinthians 12:9- But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.