Reason to Sing

"Where words fail, music speaks."
Hans Christian Andersen

For our high school graduation, my parents gave my sister and me each a new Bible. Inside of mine, my mom wrote:

"The music in our life." Go forth and "seize the day" with God on your side. Love Mom and Dad

At that time, it could probably be said that music was my life and "Seize the Day" was a reference to a song I had performed several times. Since I can remember, music has been a part of me, one of my greatest passions and the greatest way I knew of how to communicate with God.

"Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest; heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul."

When  I was growing up, whatever I was feeling, I could always find a song that was fitting. If not, I'd write it. Whether it was a CD, the piano or my voice serving as the vessel, the notes were my message to God and often God's message to me. But the music that transcribed the triumphs and trials of my younger years barely scratched the surface of the messages that came and went through this past year of my life. This weekend, as my friend Christopher played guitar and we both sang, we got to share one of those messages with his home church.

One night in casual conversation before dinner at our weekly small group, my friend Kayley told me about a band called All Sons and Daughters. She specifically said I should check out their song "Reason to Sing." Always open for suggestions, I did. That night after Bible study I bought the track. That night I found what would be my heart's cry for so many nights to come.

When the pieces seem too shattered, to gather off the floor. And all that seems to matter, is I don't feel you anymore, no I don't feel you anymore.

I need a reason to sing. I need a reason to sing. I need to know that You're still holding, the whole world in Your Hands. I need a reason to sing.

I was at a point where I didn't have my own words anymore. The timeline of my life had brought me to a point of silence:

Oct. 10, 2011- I miscarried at 12 weeks after trying to get pregnant for two years.

March 10, 2012- I discovered my husband had been cheating on me since November.

April 5, 2012- I miscarried at nine weeks.

Summer 2012- I was aboard a roller-coaster, better known as my life, as my husband said he loved me and wanted to make it work but continued to step out of the marriage.

All I could see was the timeline, all I could feel was the heartache. I needed a reason to sing and I needed a way to tell God that. I prayed that song so many nights. I felt like the prophet Elijah; I was exhausted and there were days the only words that did come were, "It is enough; Lord, just take my life." (1 Kings 19:4)

That night at Bible study, in that casual conversation, the Holy Spirit worked through Kayley. Through that song the Holy Spirit started working on me. I needed a reason to sing and it started with remembering that God was holding the whole world in his hands and that included my world.

Throughout the fall, the winter, the spring and even this summer more songs would come. Songs I have known my whole life, others I haven't. But God has always given me the message I needed when I needed it.

When I was mourning the babies:

When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll. Whatever my lot thou hast taught me to say, it is well, it is well with my soul.

When I realized, I had made my husband my idol:

He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy. When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me.

Today, while I was sitting in church with Christopher's mother's arms around me, I was reminded of another song:

Never once did we ever walk alone. Never once did you leave us on our own. You are faithful, God. You are faithful. Scars and struggles on the way but with joy our hearts can say, never once did we ever walk alone. Carried by your constant grace, held within your perfect peace, never once, no, we never walk alone.

If there's one thing I'm most grateful for, it's that message. It has brought me to tears numerous times this past year. There have been days where I have felt so alone, like no one knew what I was going through, the pain and the loss I felt. It was the lie Satan used the most. Whenever I heard this song, it was God reminding me of the truth. Sitting next to me in church so many of those Sundays were Jake and Amy, a couple I didn't even know when I was married but who were now my family, whose laughter brought back mine and who let me enjoy motherhood in a new way by loving on their precious baby girl. Whenever I needed to feel like I had a home, Katie and Kory's door was always open and I was always welcomed with loving arms to dinner (or TCBY!) with their family. Around me every Monday, loving on me and praying for me, were the greatest friends someone could ever hope to have. When I needed a companion, someone to just sit with me and let me feel normal again, Christopher was there to enjoy a ball game. And getting me through every single day, text by text, morning to night, our hearts breaking and healing together, was my closest friend April. Never once did I ever walk alone.

There may not always be words, but there will always be a song. There will always be a message. And I will ALWAYS have a reason to sing. 

I will sing to the Lord as long as I live; I will sing praise to my God while I have being. Psalm 104:33