"In a controversy, the instant we feel anger we have already ceased striving for the truth and have begun striving for ourselves." Buddha
This blog was my challenge to myself to be open and honest
about the struggles of grief and the struggles of choosing faith over fear. I
chose the title “When Two Stories Collide” because my journey with Jesus has
been more of a collision course than a Sunday drive. This past month was one of
my head to head battles with him and honestly, I didn't want to share this part
of my story. It makes me angry and frustrated and embarrassed, and it’s one of
the whys God still hasn't answered in my life. I’m afraid to tell this part and
in a way, I'm ashamed.
But my friend Kevin challenged me with this question this
past week: “What if this season of your life has nothing to do with you but
everything to do with the season in the kingdom?” He said I had to choose faith
over fear and keep telling my story because this life isn't about him or me but
about bringing glory to God and bringing people into His kingdom. So then I had
to ask myself, “Do I want to be a part of what God is doing in His kingdom?” I
do, but it’s hard; this part hurts. And that’s when I’m reminded of another Manning
quote I used in my first post: “In Love’s service there are only wounded
soldiers… Without your wounds, where would your power be?”
Paul said it even better:
"Each time he said, 'My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me." 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NLT)
In my weakness, He is strong. So my prayer as I write this is that somewhere in the kingdom, Christ will move in my weakness to bring power to the person who needs it.
Before I left for vacation, I found out I had HPV. Now people who are sexually active, and even some people in the health field, will read that statement and think, "Well, that's not really a big deal." For some, it's not. The truth is that HPV is the most common STI, and most people who become infected will never even know they have it. Others of us aren't so lucky. Some of us will hear "HPV" and the words "precancerous lesions" and "cervical cancer" will echo through the chambers of our mind. At this point, the writer in me would like to continue that sentence with: "and as the doctor spoke, anger echoed through my heart." But that would be a lie; "echo" would imply there was room for a reflection of sound waves but that wasn't the case because every inch of my heart was filled with anger, so much so that it was seeping out of every artery and vein. In simplest terms: I was pissed. In that moment, and many moments since, I looked back at my past year, all that I felt I'd overcome and moved past and the progress I felt I had made in my faith, and I was mad. I thought about how all I'd ever done was try to be the best wife I could be, how I had completely committed myself to my husband and loved him unconditionally, and honestly, all I could do as the doctor rambled on was curse my husband and curse God.
The battle began.
All of us deal with anger in different ways, including our anger with God. Some people wear a mask and pretend they are okay. They go about their spiritual routine of prayer and worship approaching God with the lie that they are "fine" and whatever they are dealing with is no big deal. Others might give God the cold shoulder. Instead of talking it out, they run the other way and want nothing to do with Him. In the world of fight versus flight though, I've never found my wings. I fall in the third category: I'm a fighter (just ask my siblings).
So this past month God and I have really gone at it. Or rather I've gone at Him and He's taken the punches. I told one of my friends, sometimes I wish there was a way to record my conversations with God- I think it'd make for really good tv. Lately, my nights with God have gone something like this: (Please note: I'm not watering this down. The following conversation will have strong language. I don't use these words in my conversations with the public, but I God knows my heart and I think the most real relationship we should have is with Him so I approach Him as the sinful person I am. I think I'd be doing a disservice to myself and God by not approaching Him with honesty and I'd be doing a disservice to you by being anything but real. There's the warning.)
Me: God I hate the psalms.
God: Why? They helped you through a lot this year.
Me: Maybe but I hate them.
God: Have you read them lately?
Me: I don't want to read them. They just piss me off.
God: Why?
Me: Because. It's not fair. David got to pray against his enemies and ask for retribution and justice. Somebody wronged him and all he had to do was ask you to strike them dead. But not me. I live in the stupid new covenant so I don't get to do that. Why do I have to forgive him and turn the other cheek? It's bullshit. The only cheek I want to turn is the other ass cheek for him to kiss. He's the freaking nightmare that just won't stay out of my life! I wish him and his stupid whores would all get cancer and die. He doesn't deserve my forgiveness. He won't even say "I'm sorry." Why can't he say he's sorry? I was a good wife who would do anything for him. I don't deserve all of this.
And right here is where the Holy Spirit always jumps in and convicts me: "For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." (Romans 3:23) and "You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.' But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, 'Raca,' is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell." (Matthew 5:21-22)
Me: Grr.
Yes, I growl at God. The truth is all sin looks the same from heaven, and I deserve death for mine. God's grace covers ALL sin and I am NOT some special exception.
Now I'm not going to pretend I have answers to my anger; I think this is something I'm going to wrestle with for quite some time. I'm not sure what's right or what's wrong but I can say this: at least I'm wrestling over it with God and not without Him. I think it's okay that I'm struggling; I'm human. I think it's okay because I know that I serve a God that is full of grace. And it's because of that grace that I know I can't stay in this angry place.
This weekend I went to an advent concert and one of the singers shared part of the Christmas story in a way I'd never heard it before. He said on that night when Gabriel visited Mary that Gabriel presented the Gospel in its simplest form. He came to Mary and asked her what God asks all of us: he asked her to let Jesus live inside her, to carry Him with her and then give Him to the world. She said yes. And a long time ago, I said yes to that same thing, to let Jesus live inside of me, to carry Him with me and to share Him with the world. Unfortunately, there are parts of my past that will now always be a part of my future because of the consequences of my husband's sin. We live in an ugly, sinful world and that's a part of it. But I can't allow that to give me an ugly heart. There isn't room for both Jesus and the anger. I have to let one go.
Praise God that He is patient, because I know I won't get there overnight. But tonight I did make a step by opening up my Bible and reading some of the psalms. And I found several reasons to let go of the anger and hold on to Christ.
Psalm 103:10-13-- He has not dealt with us according to our sins. Nor rewarded us according to our iniquities, for as high as the heavens are above the earth so great is His lovingkindness toward those who fear Him. As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. Just as a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him.
Psalm 119:71-- It is good for me that I was afflicted that I may learn thy statutes.
Psalm 147:3-- He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
"Each time he said, 'My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me." 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NLT)
In my weakness, He is strong. So my prayer as I write this is that somewhere in the kingdom, Christ will move in my weakness to bring power to the person who needs it.
Before I left for vacation, I found out I had HPV. Now people who are sexually active, and even some people in the health field, will read that statement and think, "Well, that's not really a big deal." For some, it's not. The truth is that HPV is the most common STI, and most people who become infected will never even know they have it. Others of us aren't so lucky. Some of us will hear "HPV" and the words "precancerous lesions" and "cervical cancer" will echo through the chambers of our mind. At this point, the writer in me would like to continue that sentence with: "and as the doctor spoke, anger echoed through my heart." But that would be a lie; "echo" would imply there was room for a reflection of sound waves but that wasn't the case because every inch of my heart was filled with anger, so much so that it was seeping out of every artery and vein. In simplest terms: I was pissed. In that moment, and many moments since, I looked back at my past year, all that I felt I'd overcome and moved past and the progress I felt I had made in my faith, and I was mad. I thought about how all I'd ever done was try to be the best wife I could be, how I had completely committed myself to my husband and loved him unconditionally, and honestly, all I could do as the doctor rambled on was curse my husband and curse God.
The battle began.
All of us deal with anger in different ways, including our anger with God. Some people wear a mask and pretend they are okay. They go about their spiritual routine of prayer and worship approaching God with the lie that they are "fine" and whatever they are dealing with is no big deal. Others might give God the cold shoulder. Instead of talking it out, they run the other way and want nothing to do with Him. In the world of fight versus flight though, I've never found my wings. I fall in the third category: I'm a fighter (just ask my siblings).
So this past month God and I have really gone at it. Or rather I've gone at Him and He's taken the punches. I told one of my friends, sometimes I wish there was a way to record my conversations with God- I think it'd make for really good tv. Lately, my nights with God have gone something like this: (Please note: I'm not watering this down. The following conversation will have strong language. I don't use these words in my conversations with the public, but I God knows my heart and I think the most real relationship we should have is with Him so I approach Him as the sinful person I am. I think I'd be doing a disservice to myself and God by not approaching Him with honesty and I'd be doing a disservice to you by being anything but real. There's the warning.)
Me: God I hate the psalms.
God: Why? They helped you through a lot this year.
Me: Maybe but I hate them.
God: Have you read them lately?
Me: I don't want to read them. They just piss me off.
God: Why?
Me: Because. It's not fair. David got to pray against his enemies and ask for retribution and justice. Somebody wronged him and all he had to do was ask you to strike them dead. But not me. I live in the stupid new covenant so I don't get to do that. Why do I have to forgive him and turn the other cheek? It's bullshit. The only cheek I want to turn is the other ass cheek for him to kiss. He's the freaking nightmare that just won't stay out of my life! I wish him and his stupid whores would all get cancer and die. He doesn't deserve my forgiveness. He won't even say "I'm sorry." Why can't he say he's sorry? I was a good wife who would do anything for him. I don't deserve all of this.
And right here is where the Holy Spirit always jumps in and convicts me: "For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." (Romans 3:23) and "You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.' But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, 'Raca,' is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell." (Matthew 5:21-22)
Me: Grr.
Yes, I growl at God. The truth is all sin looks the same from heaven, and I deserve death for mine. God's grace covers ALL sin and I am NOT some special exception.
Now I'm not going to pretend I have answers to my anger; I think this is something I'm going to wrestle with for quite some time. I'm not sure what's right or what's wrong but I can say this: at least I'm wrestling over it with God and not without Him. I think it's okay that I'm struggling; I'm human. I think it's okay because I know that I serve a God that is full of grace. And it's because of that grace that I know I can't stay in this angry place.
This weekend I went to an advent concert and one of the singers shared part of the Christmas story in a way I'd never heard it before. He said on that night when Gabriel visited Mary that Gabriel presented the Gospel in its simplest form. He came to Mary and asked her what God asks all of us: he asked her to let Jesus live inside her, to carry Him with her and then give Him to the world. She said yes. And a long time ago, I said yes to that same thing, to let Jesus live inside of me, to carry Him with me and to share Him with the world. Unfortunately, there are parts of my past that will now always be a part of my future because of the consequences of my husband's sin. We live in an ugly, sinful world and that's a part of it. But I can't allow that to give me an ugly heart. There isn't room for both Jesus and the anger. I have to let one go.
Praise God that He is patient, because I know I won't get there overnight. But tonight I did make a step by opening up my Bible and reading some of the psalms. And I found several reasons to let go of the anger and hold on to Christ.
Psalm 103:10-13-- He has not dealt with us according to our sins. Nor rewarded us according to our iniquities, for as high as the heavens are above the earth so great is His lovingkindness toward those who fear Him. As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. Just as a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him.
Psalm 119:71-- It is good for me that I was afflicted that I may learn thy statutes.
Psalm 147:3-- He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Psalm 37:5-8-- Commit your way to the Lord. Trust also in Him, and He will do it. And He will bring forth your righteousness as the light and your judgment as the noonday. Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him. Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who carries out wicked schemes. Cease from anger and foresake wrath. Do not fret; it leads only to evildoing.
